Dog Humor - The Dog Dictionary
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench
the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and
frequently.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for
dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a
bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person
then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when
they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when
their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring
blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white
bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and
you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out
once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to
push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when
the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective
when combined with The Sniff.
LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command
"sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.
Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar,
enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other
dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale
deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After
eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your
whiskers clean.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to
an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to
warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes
wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,
envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and
strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
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